Grieving in the Meanwhile...

Grieving the passing of a parent whom you love dearly is about the most exhausting pain you can ever imagine experiencing. Last evening I was talking with a dear friend and expressing to her the unending pain of what it means to be at four months without my mom. I don’t talk about it every day, but it does not mean that the pain has somehow dissipated or even become less frequent.  Honestly, it is like living a life sentence of pain behind invisible bars of anguish, and some days you simply don’t feel like being perky and “in the moment” as you scramble to figure out how to adjust to life without the person who gave you life.  

What I have come to learn and realize is that sometimes other people are not affected by the thing that pains you the most and therefore, they don’t have reason to engage you in conversation about it. My friend said to me, “…and meanwhile you grieve alone. And it hurts.”

Lamenting the “transition” of my mother is hard. I don’t ignore the need to grieve nor do I suppress it. In another recent conversation with a pastor who recently experienced the passing of his mother, he asked me “how are you grieving?” “Intentionally,” I answered. This is not the time to be strong and pretend like I am handling it well. I am human and within the human condition, there is a dis-ease within the mind, soul and body called suffering, and that suffering doesn’t care if you are in the store, or waiting at a red light, or sitting on the pew at church when it decides to redirect your thoughts. That’s what suffering is. It is the inability to control the emotional pain that has engulfed you, and yet you have to respond. Sometimes with buckets of tears, other times in silence.

I know that making the adjustment to not hearing my mom’s voice anymore, or sitting at the kitchen table for a cup of coffee or just laughing together about anything, will be a life-long journey. Grieving is a thread within the community in which we all live. Some people grieve the loss of a relationship, of an unrealized dream, a friendship that went sour and so on. It might not be immediately evident that the grieving process is happening, but it quietly causes a disruption in the everyday life of the person who is experiencing it, and it is an unraveling thread within our shared community.

The Apostle Paul tells us in Romans chapter 12 that we are to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. The only way to do that is to remember that we are in community with one another and to be aware of the unraveling thread called grief. It is okay and perfectly acceptable to simply ask a person how he or she is handling this experience. It is okay to invite him out for lunch or coffee and just be present. It doesn’t make the grief suddenly disappear. Your presence is not meant to do that. Everyone grieves differently in her own way and in her own time. Your response opens a window of fresh air that is good for the soul of the one who is suffering!